Alright, girl. …

Alright, girl. Breathe. In, out. Deeply, slowly, and chill the fuck out.

I’ve found myself lost in my own head a lot lately. I can’t quite figure things out and it’s driving me a little insane. I jump to every conclusion except the most obvious, often settling on the least desirable ones. And as much as I try to keep it on the inside, it’s slipping out in little bursts and hurting someone I care about.

This is where my mind goes: I’ve been hurt before, tenfold, and so that’s just what will keep on happening to me. People have used me before, so that’s just what’s going to keep on happening to me. I’m a doormat and it’s my job to get walked all over. Right?

No. Stop that.

Yes, we all should learn from our past. But that doesn’t mean we should feel trapped by it. If I didn’t open myself up to the possibility of heartbreak, then I’d probably be a very lonely person. I fully believe that even though I had a crap summer where I got my heart pulverized twice in a row, I know that I’m a better, stronger person because of it. It made me rely on myself more, become more independent and create my own social life sans-man.

I guess my New Years Resolution should really be this: Live in the moment. If something  is making me happy NOW, then NOW is what matters. Screw potential heartbreak or deception or hurt or whatever may lie in the dark corners of the near future. Don’t ruin the good things by worrying about the WHAT IF. Be cautious, but only just enough. If you’ve given someone the tools necessary to hurt you, but don’t assume that’s what they’ll use them for, they might be more than willing to use them to keep your heart safe. Don’t hold those in your present accountable for your past.  And if you’re the only one jumping, descending into that scary place of the unknown seemingly by yourself, enjoy the fall. Fall fully or not at all.

I just really, REALLY hope it’s not too late.

Advertisements

Holidays Are Upon Us, and a Happy Festivus to You!

Didn’t think I’d be going through a breakup immediately prior to the holidays, but here we are. My inability to let go of people makes it a bit more difficult than most I think–it was only two months, it shouldn’t have meant much, and though my crying-my-eyes-out phase was confined to a single day it still kind of stings. I suppose it could just be the onset of being alone on the holidays making the world feel that much more lonely.

Need to find something to do on New Years. Copious amounts of champagne (Barefoot Pink Bubbling Moscato is my new guilty pleasure, shuttup) and potentially someone to slobber over when the ball drops sounds like a lovely idea. Need to get on that.

Anyway. New Years Resolutions, here we go:

-Lose 10 lbs before California (hah, that involves going to a gym, doesn’t it? Money’s on this one going down the toilet awfully quick)

-Get the heck to California (savemoneysavemoneysavemoney)

-Blog more–weekly at LEAST–on both this and Quarter Life (Crisis) Cuisine, and therefore COOK MORE. 2 New Recipes a Week.

-Find motivation, get more things accomplished in a full, timely manner. Eliminate distractions.

-Figure out if I need anxiety meds and/or a therapist. This seems like a rather important thing I’ve been putting off. I should probably get up-to-date with all my doctor-y things ASAP as I only have another one and a half years left on my parents’ health insurance…

-Get rid of the toxic people in my life–the people and “fenemies” that do nothing but bring me down. If you can’t be happy for my accomplishments, if you make up excuses to not see me or care about my life the way I care about yours, if you can vent to the end of the Earth about your daily annoyances but won’t show me the same patience, or if you just make it your daily mission to somehow bring me down, I’m sorry but out you go. No room for false and fairweather friends, it’s time to grow up.*

I’ve found that, because I constantly need to surround myself with people, I often have trouble letting people go. Even when they clearly WANT to go. It’s taking a lot to not call up certain people and try just one. more. time. But I know I’ve tried, and tried too much, and that it’s their turn to try, and if they don’t want to, I suppose that’s on them.

I’ve found that nobody can make you happy but yourself, and next year will be about trying to find my happy. Being comfortable with myself again–in a way I haven’t known since freshman year of college–and letting life take me where it will, without me worrying and trying to plan out every last detail. Life will happen and I’ll be everything I want to be, and it will happen just when it needs to.

Happy Holidays, everyone. Hope they are filled with joy and happiness and just a dash of stress to keep it all interesting.

let it go – the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise – let it go it
was sworn to
go

let them go – the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers – you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go – the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things – let all go
dear

so comes love

~ e. e. cummings 

 

*A couple people in mind, none with all the above traits together (at least I hope). But, knowing me, I’m a fan of second chances and even thirds and fourths, so this one will truly be hard to stick to.

Took the Plunge.

Invested in a new camera on Cyber Monday. Though it probably was stupid of me to spend that much on a camera, I’m actually pretty excited about it. I like being able to design things using my own photography, and it will help me build up some photography skills in case that’s a path I decide to go down.

I’m a creative person–having more outlets in which to express that never hurts!

The camera is a Canon EOS Rebel T3. Not the best-of-the-best, but it’ll do for my food photography over at Quarter Life (Crisis) Cuisine and aid in my efforts to make this blog lean more towards the fashion-blog-o-sphere.

Also, I’m taking actual steps to make my dream of moving to LA come true. It’s still pretty far on the horizon, but I’m ready to buckle down and save every penny and take the plunge.

For whatever reason, that last sentence makes me think of skydiving and this quote I found recently that’s permanently on my list of favorites now:

Too bad people didn’t fall in love at the same pace, at the same time, for the same reasons, and too bad those emotions didn’t move simultaneously. But each act of madness moved at its own pace, one not dependent on the pace of anyone else. It wasn’t like tandem skydiving, where you were connected as you fell, where you were forced to fall at the same rate and use the same parachute. Falling in love was a solo act. I knew that, had learned that the hard way. You just jumped and hoped your parachute opened. Sometimes you looked up and saw you were falling by yourself, the object of your desire still on the plane, not interested in jumping, watching you descend into that scary place alone.”—Eric Jerome Dickey

Gahhh isn’t that just perfect? It explains love so SO well. Way too often I’ve been the one jumping with all my heart, only to realize I’m all by myself. And who hasn’t? I’m happy to be in a place right now where I feel appreciated, but this quote still hits a note in my past dead on.

Need to find the book that this is from and read the hell out of it. Though maybe not, because reading Looking For Alaska by John Greene was a bit of a disappointment. Still, this quote is also on my favorites forever:

So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.”

This is great too. The illustration of longing is just perfect. This is the way I want to write. I need to write more, I need to get my fiction chops back. I miss them so.

Anyways. There wasn’t much cohesion to this post, I know. It should be titled Bragged About A Camera Then Quoted Things.

It’s my blog, I do what I like. So there.