Alright, girl. Breathe. In, out. Deeply, slowly, and chill the fuck out.
I’ve found myself lost in my own head a lot lately. I can’t quite figure things out and it’s driving me a little insane. I jump to every conclusion except the most obvious, often settling on the least desirable ones. And as much as I try to keep it on the inside, it’s slipping out in little bursts and hurting someone I care about.
This is where my mind goes: I’ve been hurt before, tenfold, and so that’s just what will keep on happening to me. People have used me before, so that’s just what’s going to keep on happening to me. I’m a doormat and it’s my job to get walked all over. Right?
No. Stop that.
Yes, we all should learn from our past. But that doesn’t mean we should feel trapped by it. If I didn’t open myself up to the possibility of heartbreak, then I’d probably be a very lonely person. I fully believe that even though I had a crap summer where I got my heart pulverized twice in a row, I know that I’m a better, stronger person because of it. It made me rely on myself more, become more independent and create my own social life sans-man.
I guess my New Years Resolution should really be this: Live in the moment. If something is making me happy NOW, then NOW is what matters. Screw potential heartbreak or deception or hurt or whatever may lie in the dark corners of the near future. Don’t ruin the good things by worrying about the WHAT IF. Be cautious, but only just enough. If you’ve given someone the tools necessary to hurt you, but don’t assume that’s what they’ll use them for, they might be more than willing to use them to keep your heart safe. Don’t hold those in your present accountable for your past. And if you’re the only one jumping, descending into that scary place of the unknown seemingly by yourself, enjoy the fall. Fall fully or not at all.
I just really, REALLY hope it’s not too late.